Boromir and Faramir's Crazy Singing Contest!
by Faramir Fancier
Summary: What if the two brothers couldn't decide who was the better singer? Somewhat like American Idol. The two decide to host a contest. Find out what happens here! Read and review! Rating for safety.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: You've waited...and it has come! The humorous tale that grew in the telling until it became the pointless tale of... Faramir and Boromir's 15- year-old Crazy Singing Contest! Yes!

* * *

"Father, listen to me! I can sing!!!" Boromir screams, running into the throne room and acting like he's two even though he's 20.  
  
"Father, so can I!" Faramir says with a little more dignity.  
  
"Enough! Now, we shall hold a contest to see who is the best!" Denethor says.  
  
"But you'd pick Boromir no matter what!" Faramir whines.  
  
Denethor promptly manages to whack Faramir upside the head. Faramir is temporarily rendered unconscious.  
  
"Good shot, dad!" Boromir energetically says, giving his father a high 5. Weird, aren't they?  
  
"Thanks, son. Let's leave this useless lump here until dinner." Denethor replies, smiling wickedly.  
  
"Why don't we just eat him for dinner?" Boromir suggests and the two walk cackling out of the hall.

* * *

Dinner was usual: Denethor stuffed his face, Boromir got the fine cuts of meat, and Faramir got bread crusts.  
  
"Why do I have to starve?" Faramir moans, picking up a bread crust.  
  
"Because you're small and insignificant." Boromir says, stabbing at a tomato.  
  
"Because you're not my favorite son." Denethor says.  
  
"That's it! I've had it!" Faramir says, throwing a bread crust at Denethor.  
  
"Ooh, goody! More food for me!" Denethor says, promptly stuffing the crust in his face.  
  
"You're a pig, dad!" Faramir says, grabbing his knife like a sword.  
  
"You're an idiot, brother!" Boromir says, cutting his steak into pieces.  
  
Faramir looks like he wants to plunge the knife into Boromir's neck. Or his father's neck. It's hard to tell.  
  
"I'm the idiot? Look who's talking!" Faramir says angrily.  
  
"Yes, we should! Faramir, go now!" Denethor says, standing up with a chunk of chicken in his hand.  
  
"No, I wont!" Faramir says, tossing the knife at Denethor and narrowly missing.  
  
Denethor then tosses the chicken at Faramir.  
  
"FOOD FIGHT!" Boromir screams, tossing his salad in the air.  
  
He receives weird looks.  
  
"The contest is tomorrow." Denethor says.  
  
Faramir and Boromir go to practice their songs.

* * *

A/N: So, how was it? There will be more! Oh, yes! Signing off, -Anduril 


	2. Part 2: Boromir sings Queen!

A/N: Ok, here is where the actual singing comes in. I really stink at these singing parodies, so Boromir's song will be like a total flop.  
  
"Alright, Boromir, get up here and sing your song!" Denethor yells, shoving a microphone into Boromir's hand.  
  
He casually walks onto the stage. A small group of musicians appear behind him.  
  
"Uh, I'm going to sing, uh, "We are the Champions" by Queen." Boromir says, looking at his hand to be sure he got the names right.  
  
The musicians take their spots. Boromir takes the microphone.  
  
"I've paid my dues,  
  
time after time.  
  
I've done my sentence,  
  
Though committed no crime.  
  
And bad mistakes, I've made a few.  
  
I've had my share of sand kicked to my face but I've come through!  
  
(Backup singers: And I need to go on and on and on and on!)  
  
We are the champions, my friends!  
  
And we'll keep on fighting 'till the end!  
  
We are the champions, we are the champions!  
  
No time for losers 'cause we are the champions of the world!  
  
I've taken my bows  
  
And my curtain calls  
  
You gave me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it,  
  
I thank you all.  
  
But it's been no bed of roses,  
  
No pleasure cruise.  
  
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race  
  
And I never loose!  
  
(Backup singers: And I need to go on and on and on and on!)  
  
We are the champions my, friends!  
  
And we'll keep on fighting 'till the end!  
  
We are the champions, we are the champions!  
  
No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions  
  
OF THE WORLD!!" Boromir sings, and it sounds pretty good.  
  
Faramir stands in the shadows, looking on in disgust.  
  
"I can do better." He says.  
  
"I give it a 10 out of 10! Very good, son!" Denethor says.  
  
"And I give it a –1 out of 10." Faramir mutters.  
  
He steps out of the shadows.  
  
"You, Faramir, will perform in a few hours. You cannot do the same song." Denethor says.  
  
"As you say, father." Faramir replies as Boromir goes to have a celebration with the exchange students from the Lorien Girls School in the White Tower. Some of his buddies are going, too.  
  
Faramir goes to his room to get ready for the show.  
  
Dinner, again. Denethor stuffed his face. Boromir was partying with his friends. Faramir was munching on a slice of watermelon.  
  
"So. All set for your chance?" Denethor says.  
  
"I think so. Why not. So, what's the prize for the winner?" Faramir asks, thinking that his father is going to be nice to him.  
  
"To be crowned best singer in Gondor." Denethor says, shoveling grapes into his mouth like he won't ever see a grape again. And he might not, if I had my way.  
  
"Ok. I'll just prepare then." Faramir says, picking up a slice of bread.  
  
"Wait! Sort these salt crystals so that I can have the proper amount for my healthy diet!" Denethor orders, indicating a large mountain of salt. "Some are sugar. Tell the difference and put them in piles."  
  
"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE?!" Faramir yells, banging a hand on the table.  
  
"Use a Q-tip." Denethor says.  
  
"A Q-TIP??!!" Faramir screams, knocking over a goblet of wine.  
  
"Do it now. I need to salt this pork up." Denethor says, indicating a slice of pork.  
  
"That's SALTED PORK!! Do you want a heart attack?" Faramir says in shock.  
  
"Yes. I wish that." Denethor replies.  
  
"You're insane." Faramir mutters.  
  
"You are." Denethor says, hurtling a grape at Faramir.  
  
"Ironic, isn't it? The insane one calling me, the normal one in the family insane!" Faramir screams.  
  
Denethor throws more grapes at Faramir, and then realizes what he's doing.  
  
"My grapes! NOO!!" He screams, rushing to pick them all up.  
  
"Moron." Faramir mutters.  
  
A/N: That's chapter 2! Next, Faramir sings! Since I am listening to Guns-N- Roses, guess what he'll be singing? 


	3. GunsNRoses sung by Faramir!

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! Faramir will start singing his Guns-N- Roses bit, because they are a totally awesome band! YEAH!!

* * *

"You, boy, get up there now!!" Denethor yells, shoving Faramir onto the stage. He grabs the microphone.  
  
Some musicians and backup singers follow. He takes the mike just as a small little dude in hobbit-y clothes runs onto the stage.  
  
"Wait! We need to get this straight! I need to list the credits, and then you may start to sing!" The little hobbit, whose name is Meriadoc Brandybuck, takes the mike from a very surprised Faramir.  
  
"First, to **Aragorn-Adorer**: Here is the more that you begged for. I appreciate your thoughts on it being funny.  
  
Second, to **PopcornLeader**: Thank you, but I am not brilliant, although my fanfics may be, that is yet to be decided.  
  
And lastly, to **baphomet**: They do have nice voices, and Faramir's is a nice, medium voice that sounds like waves on the seashore, while Boromir's is like a blender: whirring but still melodic. This will be one heck of a contest, I had no idea that melodic was in my vocabulary, but it is rather close to Meriadoc, so why not? Thank you, carry on."  
  
Everyone stares at the hobbit. He ducks and runs off stage, yelling, "Is that horse-themed armor ready? I'm all set to be an esquire!" Everyone else raises an eyebrow.  
  
"Carry on." Denethor says like nothing out of the ordinary has happened. And nothing has. I mean, hobbits announcing the authoress's thanks to her loyal reviewers right before the Man of the authoress's dreams is about to sing her favorite song in the world and then yelling about horse-themed armor? That is so totally normal.  
  
"Ok. I'm going to sing "Civil War" by Guns-N-Roses." Faramir says, and he starts.  
  
"Look at your young men fighting  
  
Look at your women crying  
  
Look at your young men dying  
  
The way they've always done before.  
  
Look at the hate we're breeding  
  
Look at the fear we're feeding  
  
Look at the lives we're leading  
  
The way we've always done before.  
  
My hands are tied.  
  
The billions shift from side to side  
  
And the wars go on with the brainwashed pride  
  
For the love of God and our human rights  
  
And all these things are swept aside  
  
By bloody hands time can't deny  
  
And are washed away by your genocide  
  
And history hides the lies of all civil wars.  
  
D'you wear a black arm band  
  
When they shot the man  
  
Who said, "Peace could last forever"  
  
And in my first memories,  
  
They shot Kennedy,  
  
And I went numb when I learned to see  
  
So I never felt for Vietnam  
  
We've got the wall in D.C. to remind us all  
  
That you can't trust freedom when it's not in your hands  
  
When everybody's fighting for the Promised Land  
  
And I don't need your civil wars  
  
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor  
  
You power hungry sellin' soldiers  
  
In a human grocery store  
  
Ain't that fresh  
  
I don't need your civil war  
  
Look at the shoes you're filling  
  
Look at the blood we're spilling  
  
Look at the world we're killing  
  
The way we've always done before  
  
Look in the doubt we've wallowed  
  
Look at the leaders we've followed  
  
Look at the lies we've swallowed  
  
And I don't want to hear no more  
  
My hands are tied  
  
For all I've seen has changed my mind  
  
But still the wars go on as the years go by  
  
With no love of God or human rights  
  
'Cause all these dreams are swept aside  
  
By bloody hands of the hypnotized  
  
Who carry the cross of homicide  
  
And history bears the scars of our civil wars  
  
(Backup singer: "We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials for example to create a vacuum. Then we fill that vacuum as popular war advances, peace is closer.")  
  
I don't need your civil war  
  
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor  
  
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers  
  
In a human grocery store  
  
Ain't that fresh  
  
And I don't need your civil war  
  
I don't need your civil war  
  
I don't need your civil war  
  
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers  
  
In a human grocery store  
  
Ain't that fresh  
  
I don't need your civil war  
  
I don't need your civil war  
  
I don't need one more civil war  
  
What's so civil about war anyway?" Faramir says, singing with much emotion and feeling.  
  
"I give it a 4.5 out of 10." Denethor says.  
  
The angry authoress wants to send a Nazgul down to smite Denethor, but then she realizes that if Denethor dies, Boromir will become Steward, and he will bring the world to ruin. Best to wait until Boromir is dead so Faramir can become Steward. So she doesn't and she holds in her anger, releasing it on the soft pillow in her room instead of actual people. She yells a few colorful words at Denethor and then resumes typing the story.  
  
"Very good. Except your song seemed to stress the point that I am a bad ruler." Denethor adds  
  
"I never said that." Faramir replies.  
  
"Oh, go clean your room, hippie! And don't sing about anti-war. War is what's keeping you alive!" Denethor says.  
  
"What about civil disobedience?!" Faramir says, storming to his room.

* * *

A/N: Yes that was a long chapter, but most of it is the song. But that is a very good song, you should all go listen to it. Next, there will be more singing, because 1 round is just not enough. If you have any good songs for **Boromir **to sing, please tell me. I have more than enough for Faramir to sing. So, any ideas/requests for **Boromir**, tell me, and I will try to add them into a future chapter! 


	4. The Three Judges Arrive, Boromir wants a...

A/N: I really didn't get as many song requests as I hoped, except for the "My Little Pony" commercial song. That will appear in this chapter! I need songs that most people have heard of. Please. I beg you!! Review! PLEASE! I'm starving!  
  
Badger Lover: Thank you for the "My Little Pony" Idea! HA! Very funny!  
  
Any anonymous reviews that have come in, thanks. I appreciate it! 

* * *

"This contest is a little one-sided and biased," Denethor says.  
  
"No, really!" Faramir mutters to himself as Denethor keeps talking.  
  
"So I've decided to hire some judges to help me! Let's hear it for the judges!" Denethor says.  
  
"First, from the HMS _Surprise_, coxswain Barret Bonden!" Denethor says, as a guy comes out that looks surprisingly like Pippin, except he's got blonde hair. Pippin runs out.  
  
"Hey, I know you!" he screams, as Barret looks at Pip like, "What the heck?"  
  
"Second, from the HMS _Dauntless_, Commodore Norrington!" Denethor says, as a guy comes out in an old-fashioned navy outfit.  
  
"And thirdly, from Middle Earth's very own Mirkwood, Prince Legolas!" Denethor says.  
  
Legolas comes out, and about 20,000 fan girls come out and swarm him. Boromir and Faramir feel very left out. So, me, the author, in all her kindness to Faramir, sends down some fell beasts to smite the Legolas fan girls. But Legolas shoots them down, flexes his muscles, and the fan girls swoon and faint. They deserved it. Some bystanding guards of the Citadel rush over and cart the fan girls off in wheelbarrows. Legolas looks horrified that his fan girls are gone. Oh, well.  
  
"So, judges, thank you for coming!" Denethor says very enthusiastically, and as punishment for being so cheerful pulls his muscles in his side. He also gets acute appendicitis. He slumps over in pain, clutching his side.  
  
"No! Daddy! Appendicitis! Help!" Boromir screams, rushing over.  
  
"Move, you useless lump!" Faramir says, checking for a pulse.  
  
"How did you know how to do that?" Boromir asks, amazed.  
  
"Easy. I took first aid at the Minas Tirith Boy scout Rangers Training Academy!" Faramir says, taking two seconds to show us all his badges.  
  
"Ooh! Shiny badges!" Boromir says, reaching out to touch them.  
  
"No! They're mine! My own! My precious! Preciousss...." Faramir says, doing a Gollum moment.  
  
"I don't want to keep them!" Boromir says, shocked.  
  
"Keep away, evil one! It wantsss it for itssself! No, nasssty fat human! Not my precious! Preciousss...." Faramir says.  
  
"Whatever you do, don't put on a small loincloth as all you wear! Don't do it!" Boromir warns.  
  
"Keep away. Nassty fat human!" Faramir says, crawling on top of a chair  
  
Please note that Denethor is just sprawled out on the floor. He is unconscious. Legolas and the other judges are just standing there. They all have blank expressions on their faces.  
  
"Keep away! My precious! Precious! Precious! No, all for me! No, us! ME!! Leave now and never come back!" Faramir says, having a Gollum experience.  
  
"What the hell?" Boromir says, looking at the audience.  
  
"Away he goes, precious! Faramir is free!!!" Faramir screams, doing a crazy dance.  
  
Suddenly, Faramir snaps out of his Gollum experience.  
  
"Whoa. I just had an out-of-body experience. Freaky." Faramir says, looking around.  
  
"You sounded just like Gollum." Legolas says.  
  
"Thank you Captain Obvious!" Boromir says, though how he knows who Gollum is beats me. Legolas knows, however, because he and his father are holding Gollum in the cells in Mirkwood. Interesting, isn't it?  
  
"I have a song in my head, Faramir. Like me to sing it for ya?" Boromir asks.  
  
"Go 'head." Faramir says.  
  
"Ahem. My little pony, my little pony! Yadda yadda yadda! My little pony, my little pony! I love my little pony! My little pony!" Boromir sings.  
  
Sorry, I don't know the "My Little Pony" song.  
  
"Boromir, you scare me." Faramir says.  
  
"No one ever bought me a My Little Pony!" Boromir whines.

* * *

A/N: This chapter celebrated my other favorite movies: Master and Commander and Pirates of the Caribbean. Yay! I still need suggestions for songs, that's why there's no singing involved. So, send in your requests/ ideas! Also, Billy Boyd, Pippin, plays Barret Bonden in Master and Commander


	5. Boromir sings Britney Spears!

A/N: Well, here's more of the contest. I have found a new song for Boromir to sing, and if you are a Boromir fan, you should watch out. This will seem very weird. And if you have any suggestions for a Boromir song, they will appear in future chapters. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------  
  
"Boromir! Get you sorry butt up here now and ding your sorry song!" Denethor screams. He has gotten over his acute appendicitis, unfortunately.  
  
"Yes, sing your song, you lowly piece of Gondorian dirt!" Commodore Norrington says, like he's the best. He really isn't.  
  
Boromir has gotten on the stage. He has a rather pleased smile on his face.  
  
"I'm going to sing "Toxic" by Britney Spears!" Boromir screams.  
  
Legolas stands up.  
  
"OHMIGOD, that's my favorite song!" he shrieks. Ha, funny. Or not.  
  
"Toxic?" Faramir says, looking like he's going to wet himself because he's laughing so hard. And if I was really cruel towards Faramir, I would make him wet himself, but Faramir ROCKS, so don't touch him, filthy girls! He's all mine! Sorry about that. On with the story....  
  
"Baby can't you see  
  
I'm calling  
  
A guy like you should wear a warning  
  
It's dangerous  
  
I'm falling  
  
There's no escape  
  
I can't wait  
  
I need a hit  
  
Baby, give me it  
  
You're dangerous  
  
I'm loving it  
  
Too high  
  
Can't come down  
  
Losin' my mind  
  
Spinning 'round and 'round  
  
Do you feel me now?  
  
With the taste of your lips  
  
I'm on a ride  
  
You're toxic I'm slippin' under (Backups: Ohh Ohh)  
  
With a taste of the poison paradise  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
Don't you know that you're toxic?  
  
And I love what you do  
  
Don't you know that you're toxic?  
  
It's getting late  
  
To give you up  
  
I took a sip  
  
From my devil's cup  
  
Slowly, it's taking me over  
  
Too high  
  
Can't come down  
  
It's in the air and it's all around  
  
Can you feel me now?  
  
With the taste of your lips  
  
I'm on a ride  
  
You're toxic I'm slippin' under (Backups: Ohh Ohh)  
  
With a taste of the poison paradise  
  
I'm addicted to you  
  
Don't you know that you're toxic?  
  
And I love what you do  
  
Don't you know that you're toxic?  
  
Intoxicate me now  
  
With your lovin' now  
  
I think I'm ready now  
  
(Speaks) I think I'm ready now  
  
Intoxicate me now  
  
With your lovin' now  
  
I think I'm ready now." Boromir sings. Legolas has been singing along, Barret has been looking on in horror, Norrington has fainted, and Faramir has been laughing, and now his face is beet red. Denethor has been grooving, trying to look all cool. Well, he is Denethor.  
  
"I give it...2 of 10." Norrington says.  
  
"5 of 10." Barret Bonden says.  
  
"9 of 10!" Legolas shrieks.  
  
"10 of 10!" Denethor says.  
  
"Yay!!" Boromir squeals.  
  
A/N: Well, there's more where this came from! Check back soon, I still would like song requests! Just to make the people happy! 


	6. Faramir sings more GunsNRoses!

A/N: Thank you for the ideas for songs! They will be put in the next chapter! Yay! Time for Faramir to sing! Whoo-hoo! ---------------------------------  
  
"After that performance by Boromir, I don't think anything could compare with that level of singing and that song. I mean, "Toxic"? That's the best song ever!" Denethor says, wearing a goony smile and looking idiotic.  
  
"Well, I think we should let the other piece of Gondorian Dirt sing." Norrington says, looking all high and mighty. As if.  
  
"Ok, well, I'm going to sing "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" by Guns-N-Roses!" Faramir says.  
  
"Not more Guns-N-Roses!" Denethor moans. Too bad, Denethor!  
  
"Mama take this badge off of me  
  
I can't use it anymore  
  
It's getting dark, too dark to see.  
  
Feels like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.  
  
Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door hey, hey, hey, hey yeah.  
  
Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door, ooh yeah  
  
Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door  
  
Mama put my guns in the ground  
  
I can't shoot them any more  
  
That cold black cloud is coming down  
  
Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door hey, hey, hey, hey yeah.  
  
Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door, ooh yeah  
  
Knock, knock knocking on heaven's door yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
(Backup singer: You just better start stifffin' your own rank subjugation Jack 'cause it's just you against your tattered libido, the bank and the mortician and it wouldn't be luck if you could get out of life alive.)  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door  
  
Oooh yeeeaaah!!!" Faramir sings. Wow.  
  
"10 for 10!" Barret says.  
  
"7 for 10." Norrington says.  
  
"6.5 for 10" Legolas says.  
  
"4.5 for 10." Denethor says.  
  
"What?" Faramir asks as Boromir laughs in the background.  
  
"Once again, you're singing about me beaing a bad ruler!" Denethor says.  
  
"I was singing about death! How is that about you being a bad ruler?!" Faramir says.  
  
"Death? Oh, that reminds me....Bring wood and oil!" Denethor says.  
  
"Oh, crap here we go again." Faramir says, looking like this has happened every day of his life. ------------------------------ A/N: Sorry for the short chapter! I will write more, now that I have some songs for Bori to sing! YAY! Evil thoughts are in my head. 


	7. She Bangs! Performed by Boromir

A/N: Well, since some people gave me good ideas, I am pleased to say that Boromir will now sing "She Bangs", as performed by William Hung on American Idol. The judges will make some rude commentary. Ok, so here we go.

* * *

"Because I am a crazed ruler, I think I'm going to make Boromir go now. I can't wait! Maybe he'll do another Britney Spears song!" Denethor squeals.  
  
"Ok, I'm going to do "She Bangs", as performed by William Hung on American Idol. What the hell is American Idol? What's American?" Boromir says cluelessly.  
  
"Just sing!" Norrington says, throwing his goblet at Boromir's head.  
  
"Alright!" Boromir says.  
  
"She bangs, she bangs  
  
Oh baby  
  
When she moves, she moves  
  
I go crazy  
  
Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee  
  
Like every girl in history  
  
Talk to me  
  
Tell me your name  
  
You blow me off like it's all the same  
  
You lit a fuse and now I'm ticking away  
  
Like a bomb  
  
Yeah, baby  
  
Talk to me  
  
Tell me your sign  
  
You're switching sides like a Gemini  
  
You're playing games and now you're hittin' my heart  
  
Like a drum  
  
Yeah, baby  
  
She bangs, she bangs  
  
Oh baby  
  
When she moves, she moves  
  
I go crazy  
  
Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee  
  
Like every girl in history  
  
She bangs, she bangs  
  
I am wasted by the way she...." Boromir sings, really cuttin' loose and singing. He looks like a total idiot. And because I want you all to get the most for your money, Boromir starts to unbutton his shirt. A ton of Boromir fan girls scream. And, presto!, off goes the shirt!  
  
"Thank you, thank you." Norrington says, waving his hand like, "Can we get on with it?"  
  
"I had no professional training, you know." Boromir beams, like it's the best thing ever.  
  
"That's the surprise of the century!" Norrington sarcastically says.  
  
"How dare you!" Denethor says, jumping up with a watermelon in his hand. Wow, does he eat.  
  
"Hey, fat boy, shut up!" Norrington says.  
  
Faramir is laughing in the corner. Barret Bonden is smirking, looking like he's having a seizure because he's laughing so hard, and Legolas is busy signing autographs. Will it ever end?  
  
"Just rate the performance!" Denethor yells.  
  
"1 of 10." Norrington haughtily says.  
  
"2 of 10." Barret says apologetically.  
  
"6 of 10!" Legolas says.  
  
"9.5 of 10." I'll give you three guesses to say whose vote that is. If you don't know, I suggest going to get your head examined. Seriously.  
  
"Simon Cowell is my hero!" Norrington says. We see a shot of his room with pictures of Simon on the walls. Oh, God, this story is freaky. Why? Why did the muses inspire me to write this? What did I ever do? What is this punishment for? Answer! No! I mean....  
  
"Oh, God." Faramir says.  
  
"Hey, leave me alone!" Norrington says.  
  
"Yeah, leave him alone! You can't, I can!" Legolas says, aiming his bow and arrow at his head. He is going through a Will Turner moment. Everyone is having out-of-body experiences. Weird.  
  
"What?" Faramir says.  
  
"How can I repay you?" Norrington asks, thankful to Legolas for sticking up for him.  
  
"You can kiss my feet." Legolas says.  
  
"Really?" Norrington asks.  
  
"No, Legolas can kiss the very ground I walk upon!" Denethor says.

"I'm going to walk around in naught but a loincloth!" Faramir says. Somewhere in the back, PopcornLeader screams, "YES!!!!"

"LET ME SEE!!!" PopcornLeader screams, tearing through the secuirity guards and rushing up to Faramir.

Faramir walks away in disgust.  
  
"Denethor, I honor the ground you walk upon! Let me kiss it instead of Legolas!" Boromir says.  
  
"That's 'Daddy' to you." Denethor says.  
  
"This is disgusting." Norrington says and leaves with his high-and-mighty superior self.

* * *

A/N: Yes, this chapter was totally insane. What more do you want? I am the crazy one! MUAHAHAH!!! Erm, sorry. What I meant was that you are all so wonderful! No I don't! HA!!! And PopcornLeader, I am very sorry, but you will have to give up Faramir. I already have his ring! Aha! Oh, wait, that's Frodo's ring. SHOOT! Erm, sorry the rest of you people. Faramir and Pippin will RULE THE WORLD!!


	8. Not more GunsNRoses! GASP

A/N: Thanks for the Lovely reviews!! THANK YOU!! Faramir will now sing something besides Guns-N-Roses {GASP!}! Guns-N-Roses did do this song, but Rolling Stones originally wrote it. I know; you're all shocked that I have moved on from Guns-N-Roses! But its time had come. Uh, yeah. So, to anyone who thinks that Faramir is theirs, I would suggest that you clear out of here before I kill you fore heresy and blasphemy! Thankfully, school is out, so there will be constant upgrades! Yay!

* * *

"Faramir, get up there! You need to sing, damnit!" Denethor yells.  
  
"Aright! I'm going to sing "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones." Faramir says.  
  
"YAY! No more Guns-N-Roses!!!" Denethor screeches.  
  
"Someone shoot him!" Norrington says, rubbing his forehead.  
  
"Please allow me to introduce myself,  
  
I'm a man of wealth and taste  
  
I've been around for a long, long year  
  
Stole many man's soul and faith.  
  
I was around when Jesus Christ  
  
Had his moment of doubt and pain  
  
Made damn sure that Pilate  
  
Washed his hands and sealed his fate  
  
Pleased to meet youu  
  
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah  
  
But what's puzzling you  
  
Is the nature of my game  
  
I stuck around Saint Petersburg  
  
When I saw it was time for a change  
  
Killed the czar and his ministers  
  
Anastasia screamed in vain  
  
I rode a tank  
  
Held a general's rank  
  
When the Blitzkrieg raged  
  
And the bodies stank  
  
Pleased to meet you  
  
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah  
  
Oh, what's puzzling you  
  
Is the nature of my game, ah ah  
  
I watched with glee  
  
While your kings and queens  
  
Fought for ten decades  
  
For the gods they made  
  
I shouted out, "Who killed the Kennedy's?"  
  
When after all  
  
It was you and me  
  
So let me please introduce myself  
  
I'm a man of wealth and taste  
  
And I laid traps for troubadours  
  
Who get killed before they reach Bombay.  
  
Pleased to meet you  
  
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah  
  
But what's puzzling you  
  
Is the nature of my game  
  
Get down, baby (A snazzy guitar solo, performed by Faramir, follows. We see a mosh going on. A mosh? Whatever.)  
  
Pleased to meet you,  
  
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah  
  
But what's puzzling you  
  
Is the nature of my game, yeah  
  
Just as every cop is a criminal  
  
And all the sinners saints  
  
As heads is tails  
  
Just call me Lucifer  
  
'Cause I'm in need of some strength  
  
So if you meet me  
  
Have some curtesy,  
  
Have some sympathy, and some taste  
  
Use all your well-learned politics  
  
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, yeah  
  
Pleased to meet you,  
  
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah  
  
But what's puzzling you  
  
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah  
  
Oh yeah  
  
Tell me baby, what's my name?  
  
Tell me, honey, can you guess my name?" Faramir sung, to the delight of the authoress and PopcornLeader. PopcornLeader promptly fainted as Faramir smiled and winked at her. A guard of the Citadel had to cart her off in a wheelbarrow.  
  
"9 of 10!"- Norrington  
  
"10 of 10!" – Bonden  
  
"7 of 10!"- Legolas  
  
"5 of 10."- Denethor.  
  
Faramir walks off the stage, muttering to himself about crazy stewards and pyromaniacs.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my lovely reviewers! I love you all! Free Rhubarb Pie! YAY! 


	9. Why Denethor is wearing a Pink Robe, SPE...

A/N: Due to the threat of taking away Faramir, I am compelled to write the next chapter. This will have no singing, so prepare yourself for some overused, dry humor and some other stuff that makes no sense.

* * *

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty!" Denethor sings to himself as he waltzes into the throne room. He is wearing a pink robe, complete with purple flowers. Uh, sure.  
  
"Hallo, father. How are------WHAT THE HELL?" Boromir says, stopping dead (heh, pun intended) in his tracks.  
  
"Hallo, son. What's new?" Denethor asks.  
  
"Why are you wearing a pink robe with purple flowers?" Boromir asks, stepping backward slowly.  
  
"What?" Denethor says, looking at himself. "Why, so I am!"  
  
"Father, what's wrong with you?" Boromir says.  
  
"Legolas has allowed me to use one of his robes, seeing as how all of mine are in the wash." Denethor says, skipping around or whatever.  
  
"We have washing machines?" Boromir asked, his eyebrow raising so high it was in danger of flying off his head.  
  
"No, silly, we have tiny midgets that run down to the Anduin and wash our clothes." Denethor says, jumping around.  
  
"Hobbits, you mean?" Boromir asks.  
  
"No, they're called House Elves, and for some odd reason I think I read it in a book somewhere...." Denethor says, as one of the aforementioned house elves runs in front of him in a pillowcase.  
  
Somewhere in London, a very angry J.K. Rowling sends a lighting bolt towards Denethor for plagiarism.... 

"That's slave labor, that is!" Boromir says angrilly.

"No it ain't! What are you talking about?" Denethor says, twirling around.

"Why do they wear pillowcases?" Boromir asks.

"Because they want to!" Denethor yells, getting angry. His face soon matched the color of the robe.

"I don't think so...." Boromir starts.

"ALRIGHT!! It is slave labor! We capture them when they are young and force them to wear filthy clothes and don't pay them!" Denethor says, breaking down.

Suddenly, Hermoine from Harry Potter walks by with a can that says, S.P.E.W. (Society for the Protection of Elvish Welfare). "Support S.P.E.W.!" she says.

"Support spew?" Boromir asks quizically.

"S.P.E.W.!! NOT SPEW!!!" Hermoine yells and gets zapped away from Minas Tirith.  
  
"Oh." Boromir says, as he picks up a CD that says, 'Teen Hits of 2004' that he has dropped in the chock of getting yelled at by a little girl.  
  
"'Teen hits of 2004?'" Denethor reads.  
  
"Uh..." Boromir replies, sheepishly.  
  
"What's 2004? What's a Teen?" Denethor asked, walking out of his room in his pink and purple robe and nearly bowling over Faramir, who jumped out of the way.  
  
"Why is Father wearing a pink and purple robe?" Faramir asks.  
  
Suddenly, the scene shifts outside to a parade. Not any parade, mind you, the gay pride parade. Some people who would be Gondorians except for the fact that the authoress loves Gondorians are chanting, "We're here! We're queer! Get used to it! We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!" over and over. Denethor is standing on a podium looking at all the people. They are , uh, people from somewhere in Far Harad. Yeah.  
  
"Citizens of Minas Tirith, let's kick off this years' Gay Pride Parade!!" He says, as everyone screams. There are big floats and the like. Up in the Citadel, Faramir faints from shock. Boromir also faints from the shock.

* * *

A/N Ok, there will be more singing soon! Hope you liked the chapter even though it made no sense. 


	10. Everyone yells at Boromir, Boromir sings...

A/N: . Boromir will now sing a song. Uh, there have been complaints about the last chapter, sorry, I couldn't resist putting Denethor in a pink robe; it was too good to miss. Uh, I live for death threats; they make my day! Yay for death threats!!

* * *

"BOROMIR!!! Get on that freakin' stage and singe your damn song!" screams Denethor.  
  
"ALRIGHT!!!" Boromir yells, right into the microphone so that everyone in Minas Tirith Hears it.  
  
"Yeah, you bastard, sing!" screams Norrington. He really has anger!  
  
"Alright! I'm gonna sing 'Runaway' by Bon Jovi" Boromir says.  
  
"On the streets were you live girls talk about their social lives  
  
They're made of lipstick, plastic and paint  
  
A touch of sable in their eyes  
  
All your like, all your life  
  
All you've asked when's your daddy gonna talk to you  
  
She was living in another world  
  
Tryin' to get her message through  
  
No one heard a single word you said  
  
They should have seen it in your eyes  
  
What was going round your head  
  
Ooh, she's a little runaway  
  
Daddy's girl learned fast  
  
All those thing he couldn't say  
  
Ooh, she's a little runaway  
  
A different line every night guaranteed to blow your mind  
  
I see your out on the streets  
  
Coming for a wild time  
  
So you sit at home alone 'cause there's nothing left that you can do  
  
There's only pictures hung in the shadows  
  
Left there to look at you  
  
You know she like the lights at night on the neon Broadway signs  
  
She don't really mind  
  
It's only love she hopes to fins  
  
Ooh, she's a little runaway  
  
Daddy's girl learned fast  
  
All those things he couldn't say.  
  
Ooh, she's a little runaway  
  
No one heard a single word you said  
  
They should have seen it in your eyes  
  
What was going round your head  
  
Ooh, she's a little runaway,  
  
Daddy's girl learned fast  
  
All those things he couldn't say  
  
Ooh, she's a little runaway  
  
Daddy's girl learned fast  
  
Now she works the night away."  
  
Some people have stopped outside the palace, looking at the people inside like they're crazy. They are, probably.  
  
"Yay! Good, son! 10 for 10!" Denethor screams  
  
"7 for 10." ––Legolas  
  
"6 for 10."—Barret Bonden  
  
"3 for 10." ––Norrington  
  
"Uh, thanks." Boromir says.  
  
Faramir shakes his head and goes to his room, where he throws darts at a life-size cardboard cutout of Boromir. He sticks pins in the little Boromir Voodoo doll. He cuts the head off a Boromir I'm Cool! Doll. He sticks three arrows—one in his heart, one in his stomach, and one in his side—in the Boromir Battle Heroes! Series Doll. Angry, isn't he?

* * *

A/N: My loyal reviewers, Breck and PopcornLeader, are going to be honored in the next chapter. And, because I have this idea in my head, I will need people who are willing to dance with **Norrington, Barret Bonden, Merry, Legolas**, and (if someone wants to) **Denethor**. If you haven't guessed, there will be some dancing in the next chap. Faramir, Boromir, and Pippin are taken, so don't ask about them. So, I need 5 people willing to dance with the above list that's underlined before I can write the next chapter. Send in your reviews!!!! I love making Norrington the angry dude that swears at everyone! It's so fun!! If you volunteer to dance with Denethor, you will be added to my list of heroes, because I'd never do that! 


	11. Middle Earth Entertainment Weekly live f...

A/N: Well, it's more of the crazy contest! Yay! Look, no more dancers for Legolas. Sorry, I have found one already. I need people to dance with **Barret Bonden** and **Norrington**! If you don't the next singing chapter will not ever come! Remember, **Barret is Billy Boyd**!! So, yeah! Please!! Otherwise, I can't write the next chap.!

* * *

We see a red screen. Suddenly, a big white _E_ in a circle appears.  
  
"Welcome to Entertainment Middle Earth. I'm your host, Savannah Stormweather. Fans are flocking to Minas Tirith for a highly unusual contest. It seems that the two brothers, Boromir and Faramir, have decided to hold a singing contest. Katie McKartney went to find out more." Says Savannah Stormweather, Anchor Elf.  
  
"Thank you, Savannah. I'm here in Minas Tirith. Fans from all over have flocked here. Some of the more famous guests include King Aragorn of Gondor, and King Eomer of Rohan. S..." Says Katie.  
  
"WAIT!! This is, like, when Boromir and Faramir are alive! Therefore, Aragorn and Eomer are not kings." Says a guy in a blue leisure suit.  
  
"Er, ok then. So, anyway, here are the tons of fan girls, all waltzing around in hopes to catch a glimpse of their hero. Little do they know that none except the accepted few are going to be let inside the palace." Says Katie.  
  
We see a shot of some crazed fan girls looking around, hoping to glimpse Faramir, then they see Aragorn and all chase after him.  
  
"AIII!!" Aragorn screams, the runs down as a mob of fan girls chase after him.  
  
Eomer stands there and laughs like a maniac.  
  
Some Eomer fan girls run after him, and mass chaos ensues on the seventh level.  
  
**_Meanwhile, in the palace...  
_**  
"What are you smirking about?" Boromir asks, as Faramir looks around happily.  
  
"Oh. Nothing." Faramir says.  
  
"Have it your way, then." Says Boromir, walking out.  
  
"FARAMIR!!!" Denethor yells.  
  
"Dang."  
  
Faramir walks down the halls, his footsteps ringing.  
  
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS??" Screams Denethor, throwing Faramir a magazine.  
  
The title of the major article says, "_My Dad's a Pyromaniac: How I Cope with It and My Horrid Life Story_."  
  
"Oh. They printed that already?" Faramir asks sheepishly.  
  
"What the hell do you mean by it??" Denethor asks, tossing a vase at Faramir. He is munching on a family feast pizza, large enough for 20 people.  
  
"What do you mean?" Faramir asks.  
  
"Are you trying to get me carted to prison?" Denethor asks.  
  
"Maybe." Faramir mutters.  
  
"WHAT??"  
  
"No, Father."  
  
"Good. Now, what's the matter with you? Someone start singing!!" 

"Why?

"Because I like when people sing."

"Hey, ain't that a pizza for 20 people?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you eating it?"

"Because I'm hungry, damnit!"

"I need to wait for...uh...more people." Faramir says.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Thanks, Father."  
  
"What do you need more people for?"  
  
"Uh...a special part in my song!!" Faramir says and runs out of the hall.

* * *

A/N: Hurry and review! Remember, people, **Barret Bonden** and **Norrington**. No more Legolas! Please!! Review with who wants to dance with Barret and Norrington!! Please! Otherwise the next chapter will never come!! And that's sad. 


	12. The BIG Rewards!

Dancing with Barret, we have...Lily the Bucklander  
  
Dancing with Norrington, we have...southerngirl4615  
  
Dancing with Legolas, we have...boobtubesngrass  
  
Dancing with Merry, we have...Cheesekakke  
  
Dancing with Pippin, we have...PopcornLeader  
  
Dancing with Boromir, we have...Breck  
  
Dancing with Denethor (You are so brave and cool!), we have...Aragorn-Adorer.  
  
Dancing with Faramir, we have...A Darker Side of Light!!  
  
Thank you for your wonderful reviews, unfortunately, we had too many people ask for Barret and no one asked for Norrington, so I fixed that. I am so sorry whomever I stuck with him; it had to be done. I am so sorry, first I was flooded with Legolas requests, then it was Barret, and so I had to stick a person with Norrington, and I fear for your life, Aragorn-Adorer, seeing as how Aragorn is now at the party(?) and will see you!! HA! Sorry. Sorry if you don't like your dress description, ladies (at least, I hope you'll all ladies, that's wrong if you aren't). Now, we'll have the first slow song of the party!! Yay!!

* * *

Suddenly, we see a ton of camera crews standing around the whole place. Some excited looking people are standing in a corner, where there is a red carpet leading from some steps down to the middle of the ballroom. Suddenly, the crowd of people pressing against the restricting ropes lean forward, hoping to see the guests.  
  
From the stairway step Barret and Lily the Bucklander, Lily wearing a red dress with little black stars around the edges, and Barret in a tuxedo. The people applaud politely. Next comes Norrington with southerngirl4615, her dress a mauve color with little white flowers scattered around and Norrington wearing his naval uniform.  
  
The next couple (using the term loosely), Legolas and boobtubesngrass, walk down, to more polite applause. Her dress is purple with red zigzags around the edges, and Legolas is wearing his everyday, Elvish outfit. Then come Merry and Cheesekakke, her dress being lime green in color with black starflowers around the neckline and a little sheer shall thing, and Merry wearing his hobbit clothes.  
  
Then come Pippin and PopcornLeader, her dress a rosy pink with little purple starbursts and Pip in a kilt, wearing it like a true Scotsman. Then comes Boromir and Breck, her dress light blue with dark blue flowers and Boromir wearing the outfit he wore in the Fellowship. Then comes Denethor and Aragorn-Adorer, her dress silver with black leaves and Denethor wearing his robe and like, what he always does. Lastly come Faramir and A Darker Side of Light (me) wearing a black dress with silver designs and Faramir is wearing what he wore at the end of RotK. Everyone claps for all the couples, as they smile and leave. Aragorn glares at Aragorn-Adorer, who looks at him meanly and mimes laughter.  
  
"Alright. Welcome to the first ever Minas Tirith dance party! Instead of singing, we're going to have you all dance with each other!" Says a very happy looking dude in a sport coat.  
  
Suddenly, the lights dim, and a disco ball gets turned on. Little silver sparkles float over the dance floor, and everyone starts to move next to their partners. The DJ starts to play the song 'Always' by Bon Jovi....  
  
"This Romeo is bleeding  
  
But you can't see his blood  
  
It's nothing but some feelings  
  
That this old dog kicked up  
  
It's been raining since you left me  
  
Now I'm drowning in the flood  
  
You see I've always been a fighter  
  
But without you I give up  
  
Now I can't sing a love song  
  
The way it's meant to be  
  
Well I guess I'm not that good anymore  
  
But baby that's just me  
  
And I will love you baby always  
  
And I'll be there forever and a day always  
  
I'll be there till the stars don't shine  
  
Till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme  
  
I know when I die you'll be on my mind  
  
And I'll love you always  
  
Now your pictures that you left behind  
  
Are just memories of a different life  
  
Some that made us laugh  
  
Some that made us cry  
  
One that made you have to say goodbye  
  
What I'd give to run my fingers through you hair  
  
To touch your lips, to hold you near  
  
When you say your prayers, try to understand  
  
I've made mistakes; I'm just a man  
  
When he holds you close  
  
When he pulls you near  
  
When he says the words  
  
You've been needing to hear  
  
I'll wish I was him with those words of mine  
  
To say to you till the end of time  
  
And I will love you baby always  
  
And I'll be there forever and a day always  
  
If you told me to cry for you I could  
  
If you told me to die for you I would  
  
Take a look at my face  
  
There's no price I won't pay  
  
To say these words to you  
  
Well there ain't no luck in these loaded dice  
  
But baby if you give me just one more try  
  
We can pack up our old dreams and our old lives  
  
We'll find a place where the sun still shines  
  
And I will love you baby always  
  
And I'll be there forever and a day always  
  
I'll be there till the stars don't shine  
  
Till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme  
  
I know when I die you'll be on my mind  
  
And I'll love you always"  
  
Everybody has been dancing, not that namby-pamby school dances dancing, real slow dancing. Some audience members are crying, and Aragorn is leaning on Eomer's shoulder for emotional support and is sobbing his eyes out and wailing. Eomer is looking at him, like, 'What the hell, man?' and soon, people are standing three feet away from them and in a circle.  
  
**Back on the dance floor....**  
  
Everyone is really into it, and they don't want the song to end, but you know what? It has to. So, everyone looks really dejected. Suddenly, some more slow songs come on and everyone dances some more. Then, after everyone has had a jolly good time, the authoress, who really doesn't want to stop, decided that this chapter has gone on long enough. Everyone leaves. All the dance partners say goodbye and leave, the characters up the stairway, and the others in puffs of smoke.

* * *

A/N: Ah, the chapter of rewards. Well, sorry everyone, but this chapter was fun to write, and it had to end. I could end the story here...but I won't. This is my once-in-a-lifetime reward chapter for loyal reviewers. Other loyal reviewers will appear later. It was so much fun. More madness next!  
  
So, in our next chapter, Boromir will sing some Britney Spears and Aragorn will join in on the fun! Denethor will dance the funky chicken, and Eomer will breakdance. Norrington will sing and hit a high note, Barret will dance on a stool, Merry and Pippin will get drunk, meet Captain Jack Sparrow, and proceed to drink the whole town dry. Faramir will start a campfire, and attempts will be made to take his life. Until next time-- Anduril 


	13. A LONG and POINTLESS INSANE chapter

A/N: Hi, everyone! Sorry for the delay...

* * *

"What on earth are you doing?" Aragorn asks Eomer, who is breakdancing.  
  
"I'm breakdancing, y'all!" Eomer says.  
  
"You look like a chicken." Pip says.  
  
"No, Pip, he looks chunky!" Merry says.  
  
"I'm not chunky!" Eomer screams.  
  
"Hey, what's going on?" Denethor asks.  
  
"I'm breakdancing, y'all!" Eomer replies.  
  
"You've said that already." Aragorn says.  
  
"Look! Eomer's doing the worm!" Merry screams.  
  
"It's the snake, not the worm!" Barret screams.  
  
"WORM!"  
  
"SNAKE!"  
  
"You are the worst breakdancer I've ever heard of!" Norrington interjects.  
  
"But you have heard of me!" Jack Sparrow, Captain Jack Sparrow, says.  
  
"Jack! Long time, no see!" Pippin and Merry say.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
"YEAH!" The three go out to a local bar and drink.  
  
_En route to the bar...  
_  
"So, we're going to teach you a song, Jack." Merry says.  
  
"Ok." Jack says.  
  
"Repeat after me: _Oh, you can search far and wide, you can drink the whole town dry  
  
But you'll never find a beer so brown, you'll never a beer so brown  
  
As the one we drink in our hometown, as the one we drink in our hometown!  
  
You can keep your fancy ales, you can drink them by the flagon  
  
But the only brew for the brave and true....  
  
COMES FROM THE GREEN DRAGON!!"_ Pip sings.  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"That's it."  
  
"Look! The BAR!" Merry says.  
  
_The three enter the bar and sit down._  
  
"I'll have one ale."  
  
"Make it two."  
  
"Three, savvy?"  
  
The barkeeper walks away and returns with 6 ales, taking everyone's orders as their own.  
  
"We can have two now." Jack says.  
  
"Or one now and save one for the road." Pip says.  
  
"Something for the road..."  
  
"The last of the longbottom leaf!"  
  
"I know you've run out. You smoke too much, Pip."  
  
"But, we'll see each other again soon...won't we?"  
  
"I don't know...I don't know what's going to happen."  
  
Jack is sitting there like, 'What??'.  
  
"Wait. This conversation didn't happen yet."  
  
"It just did, Pip."  
  
"Well, it wasn't supposed to happen until the Return of the King! This is pre-War of the Ring."  
  
"So what. Let's just drink the whole town dry."  
  
"I thought we gave up drinking?"  
  
"Wrong story."  
  
"Sorry, Merry."  
  
"Ok. Hey, waiter!"  
  
Haldir runs over in a tux.  
  
"Haldir?"  
  
"Who are you, short stop?"  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Isn't this the Restaurant fic?"  
  
"No."  
  
"So sorry." And with that, Haldir runs out.  
  
"We need...6 more ales."  
  
"Make it 9."  
  
"Better be 12."  
  
And the waiter/barkeeper runs off, returning with 27 ales.  
  
"Uh..."  
  
"Well, we can each have..." Merry pauses. "9 now."  
  
"Plus the additional 2 we were supposed to have."  
  
"So 11."  
  
"That's a lot of ale, savvy?"  
  
"I know, Jack."  
  
"Let's get drinking!"  
  
And they proceed to drink the 11 ales each...  
  
_Meanwhile, back at the Palace..._  
  
"Will you stop breakdancing?" Boromir asks.  
  
"I believe that junk food taste so good because it's bad for you..." Faramir sings.  
  
"Ave Maria! Maiden mild...." Norrington sings.  
  
"Why is Barret dancing on a stool?" Denethor asks.  
  
"No idea, Denny."  
  
"What did you call me?" Denethor asks.  
  
"Denny."  
  
"Ok, Boromiester."  
  
"Only Breck can call me that."  
  
"Who's Breck?"  
  
"My crazy fan girl."  
  
"..."  
  
"She knows where I live."  
  
"!!!"  
  
"She's been hunting me down..."  
  
"&%!"  
  
Denethor walks off.  
  
"Ave Maria!!!" Norrington sings, hitting a very high note and resulting in a Grade A embarrassing moment.  
  
"Did your voice just crack?"  
  
"Yes." Norrington says, blushing.  
  
"YOU'RE ARAGORN-ADORER!!" Aragorn screams.  
  
"Strider's Girl!" Strider's Girl yells.  
  
"YEAH, NOT DENETHOR'S GIRL!!"  
  
"Can you RELAX? It was one dance! I didn't even know you were going to be there!!!"  
  
"OH, YEAH RIGHT!"  
  
"You know what? This might be the END!"  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Our RELATIONSHIP!"  
  
"NO! It can't be!"  
  
"It just may well be!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Aragorn-Adorer/Strider's Girl."  
  
"It's ok, Aragorn/Strider."  
  
Strider's Girl and Aragorn walk off, happy together.  
  
"What was that about?" Boromir asks  
  
"I have no idea, Boromir."  
  
"Ok."  
  
Suddenly, Faramir stops what he was doing.  
  
"BEHOLD!" he says.  
  
"Is that..."  
  
"A FIRE!!!" Denethor yells.  
  
Denethor rushes by the fire and tries to push Faramir in.  
  
"Get...in...there!!!"  
  
"No!!"  
  
"Go! I...hate...you!! Just...get...in!!"  
  
"You don't mean that!!"  
  
"Yes...I...do!"  
  
"Father!"  
  
"**LET HIM GO!!!"** A voice from on high yells and pushes Denethor into the flames.  
  
"Who is that mysterious voice?"  
  
Suddenly, a woman in black comes down.  
  
"GOTH!! YOU'RE A GOTH!!" Barret screams.  
  
"Oh, quiet!" The woman says.  
  
She walks over to Faramir.  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
"No_../sniff/_."  
  
"Don't cry."  
  
"My _/sniff/_ father _/sniff/_ hates_ /sniff/_ me!" Faramir moans.  
  
"Why don't you come with me?"  
  
"Fine." Faramir sniffs.  
  
Denethor hears all this. He has not caught fire at all. Amazing!  
  
"YOU CANNOT TAKE MY SON FROM ME!!!"  
  
"Fine. Party spoiler." The woman says, going back on high.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING???" Faramir yells.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"She was my SALVATION!"  
  
"Oh, cheese it! It's not called 'Boromir and Faramir's Crazy Singing Contest' for no reason!" Boromir says.  
  
"Fine."  
  
Faramir sits down by his fire. Denethor continually tries to push him in, but is stopped by a shower of rocks every time he tries.  
  
"Where are Merry, Pip, and Jack?" Norrington asks.  
  
_In the Bar..._  
  
"I_ /hic/_ feel_ /hic/_ woozy."  
  
"Me _/hic/_ too,_ /hic/_ Merry!" Pip says.  
  
"Drink up, me hearties, yo ho! _/hic, hic, hic/_" Jack says.  
  
"Wha'?"  
  
"Whazzat?"  
  
"We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs!" Jack says.  
  
"Whazzat? Wha's he sayin?"  
  
"No idea."  
  
"We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack."  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"DRINK UP, ME HEARTIES, YO HO!!" Jack says.  
  
Norrington and company have been searching for the drunks.  
  
"I will see to it that any man drunk enough to not know his name will get what he deserves- a short drop and a sudden stop." Norrington says.  
  
"You've said that 200,890,999 times!" Sam complains.  
  
Sam? When did Sam arrive? The authoress makes everyone forget that Sam appeared and leaves his words in. A modification was at hand.  
  
"Did anyone hear something?" Aragorn asks.  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Ok. Thought I was going insane."  
  
"This footprint looks veeeeery suspicious to me!" Denethor says.  
  
Everyone groans. The last 2,099,345,333 footprints have looked _veeeeery suspicious_.  
  
"Uh, Boromir made that footprint."  
  
"Well, sor-ry, party spoiler!" Denethor yells.  
  
Eight pages of mindless babble have ensued and no one has mentioned a thing about finding Merry, Pippin, or Jack! Stay tuned!

* * *

A/N: Wow, was that chapter long! I guess it was most of the pointless babble. So, there will be a part two! Wow, this chapter was really chaotic. 


	14. We near the end and some insanity

A/N: Welcome back! Ok, on with the Drunk Search! Have fun and review!

* * *

"I believe the struggle for financial freedom isn't fair! I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires!" Faramir sings.  
  
"SHUT UP! You've been singing the same song over and over!" Boromir whines.  
  
"Look! It's Sam!"  
  
"Sam!"  
  
"Hi. I'm here to help." Sam says.  
  
"Sam!"  
  
"Sam!"  
  
"I think you've all said my name by now."  
  
"Look! A piece of cloth!" Denethor says.  
  
"Uh, Denethor, that's from your robe." Norrington says.  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Look! A footprint!"  
  
"SHOOT HIM!!"  
  
"Look! A piece of hair!"  
  
"HANG HIM!!"  
  
"Look! A---"  
  
Denethor is muffled and his head is knocked against a wall, rendering him unconscious.  
  
"Leave him." Sam says.  
  
"Ok!"  
  
And off they march, into the bar.  
  
"I need_.../hic/_ 20 more ales." Pip says.  
  
"Make it_.../hic/_ 30." Merry adds.  
  
"40 _/hic/_ savvy?"  
  
And the bar tender returns with 90 more ales...  
  
Suddenly, Faramir, Boromir, Norrington, Bonden, Sam, and Legolas, who was there all along, pop into the bar!  
  
"WILL!" Jack says.  
  
At the same time, Merry says, "PARIS!!"  
  
And Pip says, "LEGOLAS!" At the same time.  
  
"Will Turner!" Norrington says, looking at Legolas.  
  
"Hmm?" Legolas says, passing out.  
  
"I think this drunk search is very boring and we ought to stop." Barret says.  
  
"Fine." And they all walk out, leaving Merry, Pippin, and Jack to drink the 90 ales ("That's 30 each, mates.") and to finish what they set out to do: drink the whole town dry.  
  
_Meanwhile, back at the ranch..._  
  
"We're on a ranch?"  
  
"No idea."  
  
"Where's Denethor?"  
  
"Somewhere in the city."  
  
"Shouldn't we get him?"  
  
"Forget it, Legolas."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Ok, now what? I'm not in the singing mood..."  
  
"Nor am I, so let's just sleep!"  
  
"All you want to do is sleep!"  
  
"Sleep is good!"  
  
"So? That's all you do!"  
  
"This is boring. Let's sleep or something."  
  
"Aha! The people are with me, Faramir!"  
  
"Oh, shut up!"  
  
"Whatever, loser!"  
  
"PHONY!!"  
  
"That made no sense."  
  
"Loser!"  
  
"Idiot!"  
  
"CHEATER!!"  
  
"SLACKER!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
"Sorry, Sam."  
  
"Can we all just relax and eat pizza?"  
  
"What is it with you and pizza, Boromir?"  
  
"It's good!"  
  
"Oh, sure."  
  
"You know what, Faramir? You're a poser!"  
  
"Stupid loser!"  
  
"Poser!"  
  
"Wanna-be!"  
  
"Poser poser poser!"  
  
"Loser loser loser!"  
  
"POSER!!!"  
  
"LOSER!!!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
"Sorry, Legolas."  
  
"Look, you are all giving me a migraine and I am sick and tired! Can't we all get along? Do you want to die so early in life?" Legolas asks.  
  
"No, Legolas."  
  
"POSER!!!!!!"  
  
"SHUT UP BOROMIR!!!!"  
  
"Sorry, you bunch of losers! I'm cool and sexy and better than you!" Boromir says.  
  
"Shut up, loser." Faramir says.  
  
"Oh, yeah?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"POSER!!"  
  
"LOSER!!"

"POSER!!!"

"LOSER!!!"  
  
"POSER!!!!"  
  
"LOSER!!!!"  
  
This argument was getting rather old, so after deleting about 2 more pages of Faramir and Boromir yelling at each other, the story continued...  
  
"Ok, now that we're past all that, I'm going for pasta. What do you all want?" Sam asks.  
  
"Er...how about some angel hair?" Boromir asks.  
  
"Ravioli with cheese." Faramir says.  
  
"Penne with marinara." Legolas says.  
  
"Lasagna." Barret says.  
  
"Gnocchi with pesto." Norrington says.  
  
"Spaghetti-o's!" Sam says, happily walking out and getting the pasta...  
  
Denethor, who was rendered unconscious, has finally woken up and is muttering about Chicken with Cheese and tomatoes.  
  
"Hmm...I'll just go to the local Pasta Bowl..." Denethor says, walking in right behind Sam.  
  
Sam places the order and turns, only to see...Denethor!!  
  
"EEP!!" Sam screams, as Denethor screams "Aii!" at the same time.  
  
"Heh, hey, Denethor." Sam says nervously.  
  
"Are you getting the Chicken with Cheese and Tomatoes?" Denethor asks.  
  
"No." Sam says.  
  
"WHAT?? THAT'S THE BEST THING THIS PLACE HAS!!" Denethor screams.  
  
"AIII!" Sam yells, grabbing the pasta and running outside.  
  
Sam runs like a bullet back to the palace and charges inside.  
  
"You're dads crazy!"  
  
"Yeah. So?" Boromir says.  
  
"Tell me something I don't know." Faramir says.  
  
"Isn't anything interesting gonna happen?" Legolas asks, filing his nails.  
  
"I should think that after about 14 chapters of craziness this story would have a winner." Norrington says.  
  
And so it was decided that the next chapter would declare the winner...

* * *

A/N: Ok, this is the second to the last chapter! Review because the wackiness will soon end. Sorry, but all good things must come to an end. To console yourselves, go listen to 'Into the West' on the RotK soundtrack.


	15. The End of All Things! Namarie!

A/N: And here is the last ever chapter of Boromir and Faramir's Crazy Singing Contest. I know, you're all sad and weepy and about to cry, but don't! Remember, there are always chances for a sequel! Can you say Denethor and Aragorn's crazy singing contest? A work in progress, my dear friends! So smile and enjoy the last chapter. And write a nice long review. I mean long! You don't have to. But enjoy, from my computer screen to yours.

* * *

"Ok. As you know, we're here to witness the crowning of the Best Singer in Gondor." Norrington says.  
  
Everyone is standing there with their dates from the party. As you may have guessed, the Hobbits and Jack are back and free of any signs of drunkenness.  
  
"The contestants, Boromir and Faramir. You've done a good job." Norrington says.  
  
Boromir and Faramir walk onto the stage.  
  
"And the winner is..."  
  
At this moment, Denethor, who had been sleeping in a corner, jumped up on stage and seriously tried to strangle Faramir, who then got hit by Boromir, who then got whacked by Denethor, who then took a mike to the head by Norrington, who then cleared his throat and went on.  
  
"Ok. As I was saying, the winner is..."  
  
"STOP!!!" screamed some guy. No one knows who this guy is. We just don't.  
  
"What, you stupid idiot?"  
  
"No idea. Carry on!"  
  
And the guy runs offstage, laughing like a maniac.  
  
Meanwhile, Lily the Bucklander, sometimes known as Annabel, has abducted Merry and is kissing him in a dark corner. Pip is wearing a kilt and PopcornLeader is looking at him like he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. And, in her eyes, he is.  
  
"Ok. Now, the Best Singer in all of Gondor is..."  
  
But at that moment, Aragorn walks in.  
  
"Who are you, pirate?" Norrington asks.  
  
"Pirate? More like Ranger."  
  
"Oh, yeah! The worst race, to be sure! Worse than a pirate!" Norrington insults. 

"Hey, weren't the Rangers that football team that blew the superbowl?"

"No, Texas Rangers are in the Major League Baseball League."

"How do you know these things, Pip?

"POSER!!"

"LOSER!!"

"HICK!!"

"JOCK!!"

"POSER!!"  
  
"GIRLY-GIRL!!"  
  
"POSER!!"

"LOSER!!"

"Boromir, stop calling Faramir a poser. Faramir, don't call Boromir a looser." Barret says, whacking them upside the head.  
  
"As I was saying..." Norring tries to continue, but...  
  
"Shut it, fancy pants." Aragorn says menacingly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"FANCY PANTS! What are those? Tights?" Aragorn asks, indicating Norrington's knickerbockers or whatever they are.  
  
"These are the finest military breeches available!!!" Norrington yells.  
  
"Whatever. Come one, Boromir, let's blow this Popsicle stand!" Faramir says, walking out, with the authoress following him.  
  
"What? But, the crowning...!!" Boromir whines, getting dragged out of the hall.  
  
"You're the King of my Heart!!" Breck says, running after him and Faramir.  
  
PopcornLeader took Pippin into a corner and started to kiss him, and soon, PopcornLeader and Pippin were set up on their first date ever!! Aww...  
  
Annabel and Merry are still smooching in the corner.  
  
Aragorn and Norrington are yelling at the top of their lungs, as Eomer breakdances.  
  
Barret is dancing an Irish jig on top of a stool and singing.  
  
Legolas is hottubbing with some girls and looking very smug.  
  
Suddenly, Aragorn grabs the crown and places it on his head.  
  
"I AM THE KING!!"  
  
"What? You weren't even in it!"  
  
"Oh, shut up! I'm the rightful heir to Gondor's throne and everything in Gondor! As such, the crown is mine!!"  
  
"Dictator." Norrington mutters and walks out.  
  
And so it came to pass that Aragorn was crowned King because everyone was too afraid to stand up to him. Breck and Boromir were very happy on their dates, as was everyone, and time progressed in a happy manner. And so ended the Contest to determine the Best Singer in Gondor.

* * *

A/N: Sniff...so sad! It's all over! This way, the Faramir fans aren't after me, and the Boromir fans aren't after me. You can decide for yourself who the real winner is. (cough**faramir**cough) But there's always a sequel... I hope you enjoyed it! It was fun to write and was even funner to read your reviews! Funner is now a word! Hooray!!! Huzzah! Three cheers for the story!! HUZZAH!! I'm also writing a new story, look for it soon! I would tell you what it's about, but I won't look for it sometime in late July/early August. 


End file.
